Extreme Rules 5/4/14

1. Opening with the triple-threat elimination match: RVD v. Jack Swagger v. Cesaro. This should be an excellent match. I can’t imagine Cesaro losing, considering his (highly deserved) push.

2. “The Eleventh Commandment of Extreme: Thou shalt not boo Paul Heyman!” The man is brilliant!

3. The crowd is popping something fierce for Cesaro as he begins the Cesaro Swing on Swagger.

4. RVD eliminates Swagger off of the Cesaro second-rope suplex and the 5-Star Frog Splash. (Always impressive when Cesaro pulls that suplex off.)

5. RVD has to be made of a Slinky and rubber bands. He took that German suplex from Cesaro, and it looked like he landed on his head. Then he kicked out be extending his body straight into the air.

6. RVD misses the Splash. Neutralizer on a garbage can! Cesaro wins! Excellent match, worthy of the name Extreme.

7. Stephanie, that’s not very ladylike language.

8. Could we just intro Bo so we can get rid of the smarmy Osteen-esque promo vids?

9. Bo’s promo vid was so bad that my video feed reset!

10. Lana dedicates Rusev’s match to Putin! Nice.

11. R-Truth remembers he’s in Jersey. Of course, the smell will tell you that.

12. Ooooh! Xavier Woods took a nasty kick. Something tells me he won’t be a factor in this match. Oh, and the other extra-curricular activities before the bell won’t help!

13. Truth, you should just lay down and let Rusev pin you.

14. Well, that’s just about what it amounted to in the end. Truth got his usual offense in, but the scissor kick won’t put him out. And it didn’t.

15. Rusev has impressive agility for a man his size. That heel kick had him parallel to the ground five feet up. And there’s the Accolade for the submission victory. Now please go beat up Woods some more.

16. Thank you.

17. Evolution has matching t-shirts. How sweet.

18. Triple-H, we already knew you have a massive ego. You didn’t need to tell us that.

19. Intercontinental Title Match: Big E defends against Bad News Barrett. Again, I like Big E, but I don’t think the WWE is going to slow BNB’s push.

20. Barrett is over with the crowd. Deservedly so. He’s always had the physical skills, but he’s worked hard to make this gimmick succeed, and his Bad News moment at the HoF ceremony was brilliant.

21. Barrett wins the IC strap with a flying Bullhammer! Very good match. I hope to see a rematch soon.

22. WWE has made fake-Lego sets? That’s just sad. No one tell Molly please!

23. I’d rather suck lemons than watch another Adam Rose promo!

24. Plenty of melee to start the Evolution v. Shield match. My prediction: A Shield victory is what’s best for business.

25. Ambrose with the Figure Four! Talk about shoving Evolution’s nose in…something unappealing.

26. Plenty of brutality. Not really an extreme match per se, but quite vicious enough for most tastes.

27. Loving the “You can’t wrestle” chants for Batista. He can, but I love the heat.

28. Down goes the cameraman!

29. SETH ROLLINS! HOLY CRAP!!! He just jumped out of the crowd to land on Hunter and Orton! NOW we’re extreme!

30. Superman Punch! SPEAR! Shield wins! Poor Batista. Another loss to a young pup. And Reigns stands alone in the ring. Match of the night so far.

31. Part of me wants to watch Legends House…sort of like driving by a wreck.

32. Cena v. Bray Wyatt cage match is next. Can they keep having Cena win somehow? I don’t think so. Looking for Wyatt to finally get the victory.

33. The crowd is definitely pro-Wyatt Family.

34. After the previous matches, this match seems to be…blah.

35. Singing child distracts Cena; Wyatt gets the victory. Worst match of the night.

36. Paige v. Tamina for the Diva’s Championship. I hope Tamina doesn’t hurt Paige with poorly executed moves. Paige should win this match, but I don’t even think Tamina should be in it.

37. This is the best they’ve let Paige look in a match thus far. She actually had two minutes of offense there, which is more than they’ve let her have in any match.

38. Paige counters a probably top-rope suplex with a Powerbomb.

39. Tamina with a spinning side slam.

40. Paige counters the superkick with the Scorpion Crosslock! PAIGE RETAINS! Better match than I expected. Tamina didn't look bad like she usually does.

41. Kane v. Daniel Bryan will be an excellent match. No chance Kane wins, but it will be a brutal match.

42. I was right about that. This match is terrifying! The electricity! The forklift to bring Kane back to the ring! Wow!

43. Kane’s choke slam was scary, especially when Bryan ran into it and his momentum carried him down.

44. The kendo stick Yes Lock! Thought Kane would tap. CHOKE SLAM THROUGH A TABLE!!! Yikes!

45. Kane through a burning table! Bryan with a knee to the face! DANIEL BRYAN RETAINS!!! Very good match. I expected interference and was pleasantly surprised it didn’t happen. I don’t think this is the end of Kane/Bryan.

46. I wish people would give Kane more credit for his versatility and athleticism.

Excellent PPV! Loving the WWE Network and getting to see all these as part of the price of admission.